Alone with his thoughts
by gillovnyaf
Summary: Part 1 of the Always Apart in Distance, But Never in Heart series.
1. Chapter 1

**Part 1**

 **Summary:** I wrote this thinking about the future, so it happens a few months after the s11 ends.

 **Note:** This was supposed to be just a small oneshot I wrote when I was feeling a little sad, but after posting it a few more pieces kept coming into my mind. So I decided to do a sequence with 4 parts. (English it's not my first language)

* * *

.

Sometimes I lay in my bed at night and I start to think about you. I wonder where you are... if you are alone... what you are doing... if you are happy...

The image of your smile always comes in my mind and for a second I find myself smiling for no reason. But then comes the sadness and hit me. Sadness for being away from you. Sadness for not having your smile always with me. Sadness for wanting you here and not being able to have it. Sadness for being and feel always lonely.

I wonder do you also think about me before you go to sleep or in any time of your day? And if you do, your face lights up with a smile for remembering of mine? And then do your chest tightens of missing me?

I close my eyes and wish deeply that yes.

I love you like I've never loved another woman. You know that. And I know you love me too. I know that I'm the greatest love of your life. The only one — you told me this once and it made my chest hurts. It hurts because of the tone of sadness that I've heard in your voice when you pronounced each word. It was not a declaration of love, it was like a confession. And it has a difference.

Maybe we need to sit down and talk about us. But you are complicated. I'm complicated. Life is complicated. I know that. We tried to do this once and the result was not very positive. I wonder if we should try again? Or is it too late for us?

My thoughts begin to become slower. My eyes increasingly heavy. I can't fight against the sleep that hugs me, giving me permission to relax my body and mind.

I fall asleep my last thoughts of the night fly to you: _What's the use of having the luck to find your soulmate if all that's left is the sadness of not being able to spend the rest of your days with her?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 1:** She kept his letters

 **Summary:**

It's like she just can't help thinking about him.

* * *

.

I had a dream about you last night _._ I was walking in a park and saw you sitting in one of the seats, you looked in my direction and smiled sweetly, I smiled back with my heart full of joy to be seeing you and then went up to where you were while I felt the sweet, fresh morning air touch my face. As soon as I approached you got up from the bench and held out your arms to me, when the tips of my fingers touched yours, I saw you disappear like smoke in the air and I got frightened. I looked around for you and suddenly you appeared again, but it was not the same place as before, we were in a garden now and you watched me from afar, I was relieved. I inhaled the soft scent of the flowers and waited for you to come to me, but you did not come. Your face was serious and your eyes were now cold, dark, and filled with sadness. My chest tightened with the way you looked at me and at that moment I felt pain and fear. So I started walking up to you, but each step that I take the distance between us grew and it was harder to get to you. I felt like every step I was losing a little bit of you in me.

I woke up with my heart beating so fast and a terrible feeling that something was missing inside me crushed my chest. So I let myself cry silently for a few minutes. I cried wanting your hug. I cried wanting to hear your voice. I cried wanting to have you with me. I cried myself to sleep again...

Now I'm sitting here across the world reading the letters you wrote to me.

There was a time during shootings that we exchanged a few letters — used to be two or three per month. Do you remember that? I wonder if you still have the ones I wrote to you. Do you have?

I remember the first time you wrote me. It was late and we had recorded the whole day, I was so tired that I just wanted to go home and sleep for hours. Entering in my trailer I saw on the chair a white envelope and it was written 'G'. I take the envelope without making the slightest idea that it was a letter, and totally surprise, I read your sweet words with a genuine smile on my face. When I finished I realized that all the fatigue in my body was gone.

So since that day whenever I walked into my trailer and saw an envelope I couldn't contain the smile, nor the anxiety to read your words that were always so well written.

Touch the same paper you touched. Read the words you wrote thinking of me. Remembering the time we were together somehow makes me feel you near me. I needed to feel that after yesterday's dream.

Your letters are like photographs that I keep — I see your face when I look at the pages. I can imagine your wide smile in the goofy parts, I can feel your emotion in each word, your hesitation at each comma, your sincerity and love in each end point. It's like you're undressing when you write. It's like you're giving your soul to whom is reading. It's like you're declaring in written words what cannot declare in spoken words.

You know that I love you. And if you still love me with the same intensity with which I love you, perhaps at this moment you can feel so close to me in the same way that I feel you here with me now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Parte 3:** F.Y.G

 **Summary:**

Together or apart, no matter how far apart, they live in one another.

* * *

.

Hi handsome.

It has been sometime since we talk here and I don't even remember when it was the last time. What I have to speak would not fit in a simple text message, then perhaps you will be surprised when you check your email and find this.

Well, I guess I'll start by asking how you are. So, how are you?

I hope you are well. If I had to answer this question, I would say that I will get better after send this email to you.

I made a difficult choice two years ago when we sat down to talk about what was going on between us. I gave up on our relationship. I gave up on you. I gave up on both of us... Yeah, I know. At that moment you don't got mad, you have not tried to convince me otherwise, you did not insist, you do not fought... And I can say now that that day I loved you even more because of this, you know? I loved more because you respected my choice and somehow managed to understand why I had to make that decision. I love you because you understand me and above all you respect me even when it tends to hurt you deeply. And I know that I hurt you, I could see it in your eyes. You know that I hurt myself too, but I had to deal with the choice I've made.

I may have been a coward for choosing our friendship instead of our love. Or maybe I felt that terrible fear that our relationship will not work out and at some point everything between us was over — God, it would destroy me. The happiness I felt when I was with you, sometimes it scared me too much. It had moments that I felt as if my chest would explode with so much love, and start thinking about losing it really scared me to the point of making me run away when I believed that it would be better for both of us, the better to preserve our friendship, which is something extremely important to me, just as it is to you.

I tried so hard to move on with my life. I tried to love someone else, I was convinced that I could do it, but sadly I didn't. There were moments when I was happy with him, but I didn't stop thinking about you, I didn't stop to imagine you and me together living as we always wish. I fought against all these thoughts, I tried to push you away from my mind and I failed at all times. I thought that keep you away from my thoughts would be as easy as keeping you away from me. It was then that I realized that I am not strong enough to stand what I feel for you, the love I carry in my chest since the day we started working together.

I think that I was running away from you all this time, you were right when you said it once. I knew that at that time we were younger, I couldn't have you just for me and I couldn't wait for it, because it was something so uncertain. So that's why I went away when the series ended. I fell in love with other men and all of them very differently from you. I still wonder if I made the right choices consciously with intention to avoid that they remember you, in a way that was good for me. For a long time I managed to forget, I kept this love deep in my heart in a way that only you could bring it back to the surface. And when I believed that it would no longer be possible, you returned to be part of my life and what I most feared has happened: I was falling in love with you again. It may be silly what I'm going to say next... I see our love as an old tree. It was born in our chest and over the years was creating deep roots in our hearts and every day that passes it becomes more difficult to pull this feeling from within us.

I never wanted to admit it, but the truth is that you are my weakness, David. It always has been, and still is. But now I feel that I am ready, you know? Ready to face the things that made me run away. I'm tired of running from you, from me, from happiness. So I had to let go of my defenses to come here and talk with you. I want to give meaning to what we feel for each other and finally try to allow me to live this love. This bond that unites us is too tough to be broken and life comes in showing that over the years. This connection that we feel will be eternal, we know this. Life does not put us together by chance; we will always be connected in some way.

If there is a soulmate, you are mine. And it is with you that I want to spend the rest of my days. It is with you that I want to share my life — this time without doubt, without fear, without thinking about tomorrow... Forgive me if I hurt you. Forgive me for all the times that I made you wait for us.

I do love you. I'll always love you. If you still love me, I am here for you. My life and my love are yours. Let me belong to you again — this time forever.

Still and _forever yours,_

Gillian _._


End file.
